Our Story of Miscarriage

Most people that know anything about me know that I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Since I’ve been young, I knew that I wanted to have a family of my own some day. And hopefully a large one! I can’t tell you how many hours upon hours I’ve been dreaming my entire life about my future family.

On November 18th, 2014, that dream had finally come true with one big fat positive on a pregnancy test. Friends, I can’t even tell you how elated I was. I burst into tears thanking God to give me this amazing gift, to be carrying a child in my womb. It was better than I could have imagined. For those first 14 days, Josh and I were so joyful with our exciting news. As elated as we were, seeds of fear started to creep into my heart during those first 2 weeks of my pregnancy. I was holding on so tightly to this gift, that I began to fear God would take our baby away. My worst fear was confirmed on a ultrasound a couple weeks after our positive pregnancy test.

That was the absolute hardest day of my life so far. I can’t even begin to describe the devastation, the loss, the pain that we went through. I couldn’t control my tears, they flooded my pillow (a living Psalm 6:6). I prayed that it was a mistake, that we were too early and that in another ultrasound we would see a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat. At first I was pissed with God. I remember thinking “Really God? I’m going to be losing my baby the season we are celebrating baby Jesus coming to earth. Great!” I love that God is a good Dad though. So patient with his willful child. Eventually I felt like God was gently telling me, “Gretchen, that is WHY I had to send my Son (John 3:16). To comfort those who mourn (Matthew 5:4). To heal the sick and raise the dead (Psalm 147:3, Matthew 9:35, Mark 5:34, John 11). To make a way for my the world I’m creating where there will be no more death, mourning, crying, or pain (Revelation 21:4).” Those were comforting words to my weary heart. And I had to remind myself of that truth over and over because it is very easy to blame God when you are suffering.

We prayed boldly individually, as a couple, and as a community that God would save our baby. Our prayer was very similar to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego's prayer in Daniel 3 - we trust you God, that you are able to save, but even if you don’t, we will still worship you (Daniel 3:17-18). We went in for two consecutive ultrasounds after our first and both confirmed the same thing. Our baby was gone. We were going to miscarry. God was calling us to walk this path of mourning.

I wanted to miscarry naturally because I felt like I needed that for closure. The wait was long. The wait also included Christmas. What a hard holiday that was. Most of my family didn’t even know I was pregnant, so I had to put on my happy face and act like everything was alright when the entire time I was aching for my dead baby inside me.

We finally miscarried on January 4th. I was fully confident that my body would be able to do it on my own. But after a very long night, I started to loose too much blood. We had to go to the hospital. The entire thing was all very surreal. I was exposed and vulnerable. But after many tests, I finally had a D&C done to remove all the leftover tissue that was causing so much blood loss. Throughout our time in the hospital, Josh and I both felt so much peace. We felt God’s presence very near. We had an army of people praying for us that day and God answered that prayer in big ways. I had read horrible stories of insensitive doctors during miscarriages, but every single doctor at Barnes was so gracious and compassionate. They all said they were so sorry for our loss. We felt very loved and cared for by that team. But my favorite prayer he answered was that this miscarriage would bring Josh and I even closer together and not tear us apart. After I woke up from the procedure, I see my weepy husband standing by my side. There is not a person in the world that if they saw his face, knew of the immense love he had for me. We had a supernatural connection after going through something so horrible together. Our marriage felt so strong. I am grateful I started to see some beauty come from ashes.

Though our physical miscarriage was over, my journey of grieving was far from over. I learned that grieving is much like riding a wave, you just have to go with whatever hits you. You can’t fight it. The pain can hit you at any moment. And they did frequently at the beginning. When we were still waiting to miscarry, we found out some of our best friends were pregnant. Oh what a mixture of joy and pain that brought. I remember sending her this soon after we found out: 

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Job 1:21
Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?
Lamentations 3:37-38
This is by no means your fault or an accident in God’s timing. His timing is perfect and He is writing both of our stories, both the good and the bad. Though I may not feel that all the time (lately I do not like the story God has given us), but I try to remind myself of that truth. Because I know it is true.
I don't want you to feel like you can't ever talk to me about your pregnancy. I want to be a part of your new family's life. I don't want to become bitter. I pray hard God will not harden my heart. I pray you would give me grace in this season. I am a whole mix of emotions right now.I pray that I don’t hurt you because of how I react to something.
Pray that this song would be a cry of my heart: “Though You Slay Me” -Shane and Shane - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY

A couple weeks after our best friends told us they were pregnant, my cousin also shared the news with me that she and her husband were expecting. After that news, Josh and I simply held each other and cried. After that news, it seemed like God was just being cruel to us. Hit after hit, we tried to hold our aching hearts from shattering into a million pieces.

There is a lot of loneliness you experience when you miscarry. Many times it is only the mother, and hopefully the father if you are lucky, that knew the life you carried and then lost. It’s a hard loss to share with people because they didn’t love your baby. They didn’t know it yet.

It seemed like everything reminded me of our baby. Pregnant women with swollen bellies were everywhere, all reminding me of what I didn’t have. I remember one morning at church there was a cute baby in front of us. That baby looked at me a certain way and I just lost it. I spent that worship time in the bathroom sobbing. How was I supposed to carry on? Everything that seemed so right and good was gone and it seemed too difficult to simply move forward. I felt like I was isolated from the rest of the world. They were moving on with their lives and I was stuck.

After we miscarried and after many hard conversations, Josh and I decided that we would start trying for another baby. And that became an entire new battle for me to fight. In the grand scheme of things, it took only three short months for us to become pregnant again, but it seemed like the longest three months of my life. There was so much angst in my heart. Trying for a baby when your whole body felt like you should already have one inside you was extremely difficult. It felt like an all-consuming process. I feel like I got a small glimpse of those that struggle with infertility. What a difficult road to walk. Each month bringing new disappointment. A never-ending rip of the band aid.

I could probably go on and on about how different aspects of our miscarriage, trying and finally becoming pregnant again brought new hard and painful things in my life. But I need to share the hope I found during our suffering as well. Because there most definitely was hope. I love the way that Mary Walsh describes hope in her blog, “The God of Hope”:

“Hoping doesn't mean that I believe that God will never take something from me that I love dearly. Or that a God who loves me will never let my heart and my little world be broken. Or that He won't let everything I've spent my life working on swirl down the drain before my eyes…
Hope is a steadfast confidence in the nature of God to do me good - from creation, to Calvary and all the way into eternity to come. Hope is believing what I cannot see, simply because I know God. Hoping is walking on in the dark, because Jesus is there.”

I love that, “hoping is walking on in the dark because Jesus is there”. How true this has been during the past 9 months. God called us to walk in a season of suffering, a season of darkness. Circumstances were not easy. But I had hope because I trust in a God who is sovereign over my life. Over our pregnancies and our miscarriage. And because he is sovereign, I know that our suffering was not meaningless.

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Romans 8:18

I also had hope because I believe in a God who cared enough about my suffering to come to this world to experience it Himself that he might comfort me in mine (Matthew 5:4) and someday take all suffering away (Revelation 21:4). Whenever I was tempted to believe God didn’t really care about me, I reminded myself of this truth. These basic gospel truths were what carried me through my suffering. Nothing more, nothing less. My suffering brought me to the end of myself. I came to church on Sundays needy. I was humbled about how little I had to give back to God. I humbly came to communion with nothing to give to God. All I had to show was Jesus. It was beautiful.

Today is the due date of our first baby. The past 9 months, I’ve often found myself thinking about what would have been, today especially. Would we be holding our precious little boy or little girl? How different would our lives be? Would I have ever learned about how to give my fear to Jesus? What would that moment be like to see their face for the first time? To hold them in my arms and to kiss their little hands and feet? I look down at my 17 week pregnant belly and sometimes feel like it is much too small. Wondering how big it would be if our first child was still inside. I look to friends around me with similar due dates and it’s easy to wonder what would have been.

My life is not turning out the way I thought it would. God has called me to walk down paths I would have never chosen for myself. I am slowly learning to trust God with my future again. So I continue to preach these truths to my thirsty heart. I am God’s beloved daughter (Galatians 4:6). God has good plans for my life (Jeremiah 29:11). I am deeply known by Him.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.Psalm 139:1-6

“You Know Me” - Bethel Music - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVVlMQved8k

Resources:

“In The Midst of Miscarraige” (A 5 part blog series on miscarraige) -Ginny http://makingthemostofeveryopportunity.blogspot.com/2013/02/in-midst-of-miscarriage.html

“On Losing a Baby” -Rachel http://amotherfarfromhome.com/losing-baby/

“You Are Still A Mother” -Madison Mayberry Hofmeyer http://twincities.citymomsblog.com/you-are-still-a-mother/

“My Baby’s Heart Stopped Beating” -Jasmine Holmes http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/my-baby-s-heart-stopped-beating

“Jesus and The Worst Day of My Life” -Jeremy Irwin http://thejourney.org/media/church-media/jesus-and-worst-day-my-life

“How to Mourn with the Parents of Stillborn and Miscarried Children” -John Patton http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/how-to-mourn-with-the-parents-of-stillborn-and-miscarried-children

“Infertility, Miscarriage, and The Gospel” -Amanda http://www.blessyourheartandhome.com/faithandinspiration/infertility-miscarriage-and-the-gospel/

“Infertility, Miscarriage, and Hope” -Karli Von Herbulis http://feedmemama.net/2013/09/25/infertility-miscarriage-and-hope-my-story/

“How Miscarriage Affects a Marriage” -Lindsey Bell http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/11/miscarriage-affects-marriage/

“Why Don’t We Talk About Miscarriage? It’s What Got Me Through” -Christine Chintnis http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/miscarriage-support-announcing-pregnancy-loss/

“For Moms, Former Moms, and Wannabe Moms” -Wendy Alsup http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/for-moms-former-moms-and-wannabe-moms

“Don’t Waste Your Infertility” -Courtney Reissig http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/dont-waste-your-infertility

“Do You Hate to Wait” -Paul Maxwell http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/do-you-hate-to-wait

“The God of Hope” -Mary Walsh http://we-would-see-jesus.blogspot.com/2011/09/god-of-hope.html?m=1

“God’s Faithfulness in Life and Loss” -Deb Adkisson http://www.thecarrycamp.com/?p=526

“Infertility: A Friend’s Perspective” -Anna Ingle http://oklahomacity.citymomsblog.com/infertility-a-friends-perspective-2/

"Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering" -Timothy Keller http://www.amazon.com/Walking-God-through-Pain-Suffering/dp/0525952454

“Though You Slay Me” -Shane & Shane https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY

“You Know Me” -Bethel Music https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVVlMQved8k